Dirty Jokes

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. It starts getting dark and the two nuns are getting a little nervous. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps
from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his
firstjump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to
tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a
dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men
one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the
last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too
scared tojump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane,
but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump
Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and
250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I
said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper
and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and
as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out
that door, or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."



The Top 8 Sexual Jokes of all time!

# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

# 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that
American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have
The biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill ndicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do You remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the
Man replies: "She choked."
# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

# 1
This one made it No.1 in just 1 day !!!!

Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!


One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day, the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. 'My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.' The teacher asks for the moral of the story...Suzy replies, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket.' Next is little Lucy...'Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched.' ...teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies, 'Don't count your chicks before they're hatched.' Last is little Billy... 'My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pull out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with is bare hands.' Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Billy replies, 'Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!'



Cyber Sex
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below,
one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I Work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole In your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft Breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp.The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My Nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue All over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in And out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling Through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And Now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's The bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies Pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and Toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'mwalking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm,I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear.Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our Candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!


_________________________________________________________

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth.
One is walking a tightrope.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman.
Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.
What is it?



(page down)


























Don't look down.

************

True Story
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for
the following scam......
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be
able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their
prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via
cheque.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under
the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not
wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the
form of a company cheque. However, due to the name of the company,
few people ever bother to present these to their banks.
The name of the company - 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion
Company'.




A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You
know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You
have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.
They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,"Body, how'd
you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a
bell my body said, "Listen, bitch... do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
And then marry him.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes
home from work, then I've done my job.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
30 can fit into their shit.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"



Subject:    How to save money

There are two friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one
Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked
them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked
at the man and said "sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game,
the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked
him. The stranger told them that he was a hit man. The friends kind of
laughed. The man said, "No really, I am a hit man. My gun is in my golf
bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough,
there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it.
He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The stranger said "sure."
So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see
through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife naked. Isn't she
beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset
the man, so he asked the hit man how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said
"$1000?!? Ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right
in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I
want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around
with my wife."
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking
for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hit
man what he is waiting for.
The hit man replies "Just hold on now ... I'm about to save you a thousand
bucks."


Top 16 Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra (the impotence pill):

16. Just do her.
15. We work harder, so you don't have to
14. Ten inches long... and growing
13. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight
12. Viagra, home of the whopper
11. Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver
10. Viagra. The quicker dicker upper
9. One-a-day, like iron
8. Get a piece of the rock
7. You've come a long way, baby
6. Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em
5. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, built ram tough
2. Here's the beef!

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?





A Quick Quiz for the Gentleman
1. In the company of feminists, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:

a. Love making
b. Screwing
c. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
shared:


a. Your views about what each of you expect from a sexual relationship
b. Your blood test results
c. Five tequila slammers


3. You should time your orgasm so that:


a. Your partner climaxes first
b. You climax simultaneously
c. You don't miss Sports Center


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:


a. Healthy, creative love-play
b. Not something your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. Not something your wife/girlfriend should ever find out about


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a. The best part of the experience
b. The second best part of the experience
c. $100 extra


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a. No concern of yours
b. You thought she was a little too skinny anyways
c. a really conservative estimate


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a. A myth
b. An oxymoron
c. A moron


8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a. Appetizer is to entree
b. Priming is to painting
c. A line is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the tone...."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: you."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
b. Is uptight and a waste of time
c. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

* If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
* If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check yourself into therapy,
you're still a little confused.
* If you answered "c" more than 7 times, call me up....Let's go drinking.




<< Nudist Colony

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.
He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"



A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."


Bill Clinton is driving up to the White House when he runs over Socks the
cat and kills it stone dead. Next to the cat he finds a lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie which grants him a single wish. "Revive the cat," says Bill.
"Sorry," replies the genie, "That's too difficult." "OK," says Bill, "Make my daughter, Chelsea beautiful." "Wait a minute," answers the genie, "Let me take another look at that cat."



A boy is eating breakfast with his grandfather one morning, and the grandfather notices the boy playing with some kind of chemical in a test tube. The boy pours the chemical on a worm and the worm turned hard as a rock. The grandfather says, "Son, what is that you're putting on that worm?" The boy replies, "I'm not sure. Something I mixed up. But everything I put it on turns hard." So the grand father says, "I'll make a deal with you...let me borrow some of that, and if it does what I think it will do, I'll leave you $5 on your breakfast plate in the morning." The boy says OK, and goes off to school. The next morning when the boy went down for breakfast he had $25 on his plate. He says, "Grandpa, I thought you said you would leave me $5 if that stuff did what you thought it would do." The grandfather replies, " I did, son....the other $20 is from Grandma!"


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

FYI!