Clean Jokes

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"


For those who travel regularly this conversation should sound
familiar:

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor
sunteen?
HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
HG: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled
please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
HG: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
"judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow
cenglish mopping we bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine.
An English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
HG: I feel terrible about this but...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches,
crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother
honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.


In a message dated 98-03-11 02:07:29 EST, MTRuff writes:
USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the
scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became
emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.


2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads,
as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
leave
it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's
early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a
great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.


4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
"(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system
to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is
it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

+ ------- + + -------- +
| YES | | SURE |
+ ------- + + -------- +


9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks,
insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12.


Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned"

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him
how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!! What do you think of
that?" The doctor considered this for moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed season, but one
day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella
instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" The doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "no". The doctor continued. "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!", Exclaimed the old man, "Someone else must of shot that bear." "That's kind of what I am getting at......" replied the doctor.



GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF
THIS:
1)    The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2)    Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home
with the wrong thing.
3)    When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the
screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials.
Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better
chance of getting an immediate response.
4)    When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a
commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back.
I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing
do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5)    If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it
from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am
now free to return to the couch.
6)    If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is
not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

5) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes.
And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse
inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be
your fault.
6)    I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7)    Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember
that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is.
After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8)    Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain
accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and
would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9)    If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should
leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving
me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that
has a brain of its own.
10)    I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
11)    Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd
background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.


1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank
they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would
protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some
poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a
kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man
tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as
suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and
by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1.    The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2.    The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of
the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3.    To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door;
4.    An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels,
age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the
beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots
the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe
some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline
and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After
several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the
entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no
avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to
toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the
way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the
angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to
witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his
own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front
lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.
"It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone
out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get
hurt."
------
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked
out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo plane had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian
crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save
the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as
they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying. He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water,and now I can't find them."

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great.
The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Things We Would Like to See on Company Motivational Posters