Oct 98 Dirty Jokes

This is... a ahhhh.... bit .... crude.. but definitely worth a chuckle
or
two...
------------------

The world is full of sick puppies.........
Actual article from the LA Times w/a social commentary
following:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomasyewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of the Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomadzewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again so I peered into to tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tonaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

* TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY < < <
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.
10. a. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).
9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible
scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for : "Idiotic white men who shove rodents up their butts."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those - Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet country pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks. Softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him", she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message", she continues
huskily, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck on them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room".


Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready. "Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say,'I wish that motherfucker would've tried that shit with me.'"


Children's Books You Will Never See (from a Washington Post contest):

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Where's Godot?"

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"


The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was
entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days,
the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is
coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian
roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the
cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior
people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns,
spun, and pulled the triggers.
<click <click
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and
thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to
visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all
hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room
in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to
sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the
room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of
one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your
pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the
connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the
roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"


A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours-wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and , because it's the woman's house' she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at
her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."