Son Of Clean Jokes

Oct 98 Clean Jokes

Good for laughs.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?." I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" And hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day,I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

(Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass! "He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

JJ

things to do:
( 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%,
dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write
"for sensual massage".

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's
what YOU think".

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific
papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophecy".

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping
your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the
people are green and insist to others that you
"like it that way".

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen
times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."

12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob
your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer
at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Sing along at the opera.

17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem
doesn't rhyme.

18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and
then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles".

19. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail
address book even if they sent it to you or ask you
not to send things like this.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him What the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic Type, The Salvation Army Type, and The Baptist Type. "Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

1998 Darwin Awards

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award: It's an annual honor given to the person who's done the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been very keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing his head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont , Daniel Kolta,27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (Some of these folks are ineligible because their antics, although worthy, did not render them dead. They will undoubtedly turn up on the master list eventually!)

1) In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons".

SOME MORE ALSO RANS
1) BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked. Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell
twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."

2) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see.
Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick! In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

3) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

4) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing" The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".

5) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it ". Bingham's foot was never located.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit
the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary, calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Actual Bumper Stickers:

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* All men are idiots ... I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* Cats... the other white meat.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Exothermic or Endothermic?

A true story: A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle*s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

"Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

"#1 So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

"#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

"So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true, and Hell is exothermic."

The student got the only A.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'GolfCourse or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

Subject: FW: Mayor Barry's famous quotes

Would that this were only funny......

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"Bitch set me up."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
* M. Barry,
Mayor of Washington, DC

Dilbert Quote Contest
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive,FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary
and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"

15. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, he tells his friend "small world".

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver sits next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst day of my life. First, I over-sleep, I'm late getting to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the office and head to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. So I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. I'm sitting here thinking about putting an end to my life and you drink the poison..."
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God," Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

God created man before creating woman,
because you need a rough draft before creating a
masterpiece.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Single women complain that all good men are married,
while all married women complain about their lousy
husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced
to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
THE DEBT COLLECTOR

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the
heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf
person for this job-if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends
some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden
in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know
what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to
pull the trigger."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

THE BETTER BULL

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on
a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned
off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That
was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen
reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a
day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure,
once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!"

Signs you work in the 90's

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks
and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.(!!!)

You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. (you actually
"dine" standing over the kitchen sink or lounging on the sofa.)

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

Tech support in Hell

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech
asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

-----------------------------------------------------

OVERHEARD AT A COMPUTER STORE....
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

---------------------------------------------

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

-----------------------------------------------------

AN OVERHEARD PHONE CALL TO AN ISP....
Tech Support: Hello, May I help you?
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

-----------------------------------------------------

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The
Internet."

-----------------------------------------------------

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

-----------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons-I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it
was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file
cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]

-----------------------------------------------------

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"