Nov 98 Dirty Jokes

It was a hot, sunny day in Minnesota.  Helga hung the wash on the line, put a roast in the oven, and went downtown to pick up the drycleaning. "Gudness, it's hot" she mused, and as she passed the local tavern, she thought, "Vy nodt?".  Helga walked in, sat down at the bar, and the bartender asked what she wanted to drink.  "Yanno, it's so hot and all, I tink....I'll haff mysef a cold beer".  The bartender then asked, "Anhauser Busch?"  Helga, surprised, replied very politely, "Vell, fine, tanks.  Undt how's yur pecker?"

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.  He asks his father for help.  "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.   Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad         Pitt for a million dollars.  Then come back and tell me what you've        learned."                 The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his         father means.  He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million         dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"  His mother looks around         slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your        father, but, yes, I would."                 Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave         you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"  His sister        looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"                 The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it         out.                 Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we         are living with a couple of whores."

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady and asked, "Can ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head "No". He then asked, "Can ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head "No". With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe again. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

Superman was bored fighting crime everyday.  So one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun.  He drops by    Batman's house.   "Hey Batman", he says "Wanna go out tonight?"  "No, I can't, the batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix     it or else I won't be able to fight crime."  "You loser," says Superman, and he flies away.  He decides to stop     by Spiderman's house.   "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he      says.  "I'd love to, but I can't," replies Spiderman. "My web is broken     and I gotta fix it to fight crime."  Superman all disgusted, says, "You loser. Stay at home on a Friday     night and fix your damn web". So he flies away.  While flying from up    above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back     pread-eagled.  Superman thinks, "Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down      there at the speed of light, have a quickie and back out. She won't      even feel it."   So, Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and       flies away at the speed of light.  "What the hell was that?" said Wonder Woman.  "I don't know " said the Invisible Man, "but it hurt like hell."

A man with a 25-inch penis found it to be a continuing source of discomfort, inconvenience and embarrassment. No jockey shorts made could contain it; he was the butt of all jokes in the locker room;  and women refused to go out with him a second time. The man had searched desperately for a way to reduce it's size. He had consulted countless medical professionals, but they were unable to help. Finally he heard of a sorceress who was reported to have unusual powers and he decided to seek her advice. "I don't deal in these matters,"  she told him, "but I know a wizard who lives in the forest who might be able to help you."  She gave the man directions and he departed immediately for the wizard's house.  The wizard told him that he too was powerless to relieve the man's condition directly, but he offered this solution: "Down at the pond there is a special frog. You must ask this frog to marry you.  Each time the frog says 'No' your member will shorten by five inches."  The man set off at once for the pond. It contained many frogs, and he began asking them, one-by-one, to marry him. Some replied with a simple, "Ribbit," but most simply stared back at him. After many hours of  trial and disappointment he found one frog that appeared to be different from the others. "Will you marry me?" asked the man.   "No," answered the frog.  The man jumped up and ran off to check the results. Sure enough, the wizard had been right. It was now five inches shorter. The man was elated. He thought, "I wonder if it would work again?" and an hour later he was back at the pond.  "Will you marry me?" the man asked the frog.   "No," said the frog.  The man quickly dashed off to see the effects. Again the magic had worked, and he was down to 15 inches. "This is certainly much better," the man mused, "but it's still a little too big.  If I can do this one more time it should be just right."   The man made his way back to the pond and searched out the special frog.  "Will you marry me?" he asked once again.  "What's the matter with you?" said the frog. "I already told you No....No, no, no!"