An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. Concerned about the diminished amount on his exchange, he asked the teller why he got less money this week than the previous week.  The lady, quite exhausted by the days activities loudly responded "Fluctuations!"  The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were  either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in  bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?" And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang  the doorbell?"

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare female gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery and difficult to  handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The  gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed  Jim, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Jim, it  was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he   wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a   solution. Jim was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to make love to  the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Jim showed some interest,but said  he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Jim announced that he would accept their offer,  but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, I  want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."  The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was. "Well," said Jim, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded. "just because I am esthetically challenged (that's politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

face lift humor

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."  "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."  The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."  "Perfect! That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."  Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.   "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."  "What's wrong?" asks the doctor.  "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.  "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts.  And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go  home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell  their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every  Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at  the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep  all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Mary ... "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend   we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only  8 of the 12 eggs hatched". ... Teacher asks for the moral of the story...  Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy ... "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory-he jumped out before it  crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down  he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on  his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral  to his story... Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Rod & Reel

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the  register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said,"Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test  line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll  take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there  is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the  only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says,"But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."