What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'? Olive?

Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

Subject: Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar ?

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows '95

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Year's Eve!Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

The talking frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."  Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"  The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Subject:

The twelve days of Christmas for the politically correct:

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me, 

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

White Trash Christmas...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack, not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine, The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned, All seven dogs on the porch, howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns, for killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned, to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks, I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence, like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick, the man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state he won't fail'er, He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig, He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies, He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens, I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow, He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, His shirt said Light Beer, there was no red hat, his cap read,John Deere.

He left all the presents, with an air of delight, Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh, Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a bud lite.....

(or maybe it was "a good night" )

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then   four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her   stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began   playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants  to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument:    "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Psychiatrists in the South

Aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.   "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"   "Sadness," said the student.   "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.   "Elation," she said.   "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"   The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy-up'."